[Disclaimer: The aim of this blog post is to tell my experience with honesty. Therefore, some content may trigger an adverse reaction. If this post is beginning to upset you, I advise that you please stop reading it immediately and talk to your support team. Content and Trigger Warning: Depression, Anxiety, Sexual Assault, Stalking & Self-Harm]
I've been working with my therapist for many months now, yes that's right. I'm back in therapy after what has been one of the most turbulent years of my life (more information about this to follow), and I can honestly say that I am so glad I am!
My therapist has been a guiding light through all this, but after several months you would think that our time together would be coming to an end. What started off as a goal-orientated relationship based around working through the things that were occurring in my life, has now evolved into a deeper dive in my psyche. Turns out so many of the things I wanted to work on or change could all be linked by the intensely negative feelings I have towards myself... *shocked face*.
We established that some parts of my disorder are frozen in the time that they began to manifest, specifically around the time I was 12/13 years old. When I picture that part of my disordered brain I picture a tween version of me; a version that is scared and reacting to the things around her in a way that will keep her "safe".
As part of healing, my therapist recommended I sit with that part of my brain, talk to it, and give it the things that actual 13 year old me was denied. I needed to ask myself: "What needs did I have that weren't met?", "What did I need to hear at that time?", "What was I feeling?". Putting myself back into that mindset with so many strong emotions was tough.
As part of this blog I've wanted to write a letter to my 13 year old self for some time but kept putting it off because "I didn't know what to write". I knew that when I sat down to write it I would have to just write and see where it took me.
So consider this part of my therapy homework, and enjoy.
"Dear 13 year old me,
I feel like we have come full circle in a way. I remember you listening to P!nk's "I'm Not Dead" album and I know you found comfort in the song "Conversations with my 13 year old self". You felt like it was being sung by an older version of you, telling you that everything will be okay. Well, here I am.
The first thing I want to reassure you of, is that you do indeed make it to 30 years old. There were some dicey moments in there, but you live through all of it even when you don't want to. You cope, it doesn't matter how you cope you just do and you are stronger than you feel.
I suppose the second thing I want to do is acknowledge you. You are here, and that is a good thing. How you feel is valid and real. You may not see it now (or even sometimes when you're 30) but you will find answers to why you feel how you do and people who truly value you. I know you are lonely now, but that is not your fault. You just haven't found your people yet.
We place so much value in how other's see us, but if we are surrounded by people who don't see our value, appreciate our talents, or care to hear our voice then we will spend forever feeling worthless. Why should we value the opinion of people who wouldn't value ours? Our true friends and family, the ones who we love and value the most, value us back the same way, and that's what we need to focus on.
Thirdly, you have the right idea in drawing and writing down how you feel. People don't get your drawings, and they don't need to get them as long as these drawings help you feel better. You may not be proud of much that you create, but everything you make is building a foundation of creative skill that will take you away from the shitty place and shitty feelings you're currently stuck in. You're doing so well in school and it will all pay off in the end.
Fourth, don't let those fuckers out there dull your spark. Your weirdness, creativity, kindness, and interest in all things dark and macabre combine to create a killer sense of humour, incredible art and a staggering depth of empathy.
Hunters go for the biggest prey because they get more respect having been able to overpower a bigger beast. People will bring down strong women because going after the quieter ones is not enough of a sport for them, they are insecure in themselves, and need to show others how powerful they are. Your personality is not a flaw to be smoothed down, hidden away, or destroyed for other people. You deserve to be who you are and grow into whoever YOU want to be, not what others think you should be. And it's okay to do that.
Finally, everything will indeed be okay. Over the next 17 years you will have your first real boyfriend, go to university, meet your best friends, get a job as a photographer, get engaged, get a dog, travel to new places, and give up self harm. You will do so many things that you currently think you are incapable of! At each stage you prove that your ambition, creativity and kindness outweighs the "bad" parts that you believe you have.
You will also experience your first heartbreak, feel trapped in an abusive relationship, develop an eating disorder, try to take your own life, be diagnosed with depression and anxiety, experience your first REAL heartbreak, live alone and isolated, experience sexual assault, and call off an engagement which results in stalking. You will GET THROUGH so many things that you think you are incapable of too! NONE of the above was or ever will be your fault, no matter what bullshit excuses these stupid boys come up with to make themselves feel better about how and why they hurt you. They are just boys, boys that don't deserve you.
It will get better, and worse, and then better again, but no matter what comes your way you are able to fight it. There are so many exciting things you have yet to do, and you shouldn't be afraid of the bad things that might happen, because you will cope, you will survive, you will learn, and you will have support. You won't always be alone, be patient, and let people in when they come.
You are loved, I promise.
30 year old Emma"
If you are in need of urgent help, please use the resources below
Samaritans Helpline - https://www.samaritans.org/
Mental Health Foundation - https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help
NHS information regarding general mental health - https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
NHS information regarding access to urgent help - https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/
Mental health advice tailored for men - https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
Mind Charity - https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/
How Mental list of apps and online resources - https://www.howmental.com/resources
Rethink Mental Illness - https://www.rethink.org/aboutus/what-we-do/advice-and-information-service/get-help-now/
Alcoholics Anonymous - https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
If you feel you are in immediate danger, please go to A&E.