2012 was the year I got my "moderate depression and generalised anxiety" diagnosis. I had just started my second year at university and was diagnosed by a campus GP, who still to this day was the best GP I've ever. She was super friendly and understanding; you felt like you could open up to her without judgement and then she made you feel secure that she would do her best to help you.
As I mentioned in my previous blog post "My Story Part 1", I was actually relieved to receive this diagnosis. I'd spent a long time feeling as though I was a bad person when in reality I was just in a lot of emotional pain.
2023 marks 11 years since I discovered I had this illness, and slowly set about trying to make meaningful change to my wellbeing. I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to reflect on as well. I have learned so much about myself this past decade and a bit, and have decided to share a few bits and pieces I picked up along the way... Enjoy!
5 Things I've Learnt Since I Was Diagnosed
A diagnosis has power Words have weight in every aspect of life, and can be a great deal heavier when those words become labels. Sometimes this can be helpful in getting others to understand your ailment or situation, but other times a label can serve as a roadblock. My diagnosis for me meant that I didn't feel as alone or misunderstood anymore. I finally had a reason for feeling like shit and therefore could research, form action plans with care professionals, manage symptoms etc. For some a diagnosis can be positive and validating, but for others it can be negative and feel like a shackle or a crutch, but all experiences with diagnosis are valid and deserve to be heard. There is no right or wrong way to feel about your diagnosis.
Knowing what the problem is won't automatically fix it God I wish it did! In reality the real work began after I received my diagnosis. It didn't fix any problems, but gave me a starting point for further development. Just because I knew what was causing my issues didn't mean I could become complacent in fighting them.
It is not an excuse, it is an explanation Just because a person's behaviour is understandable, does not mean it is excusable. Yes, a lot of my behaviour was depression driven but that didn't mean I should not then be held accountable for my actions. Hiding behind a diagnosis not only aids the stigmatisation of mental illness as a whole, but also reduces you down to a label when you are so much more than that! You have the power to change your behaviour and improve, but you don't allow yourself to do that when you run away from the hard work.
Recovery takes time, but a diagnosis can help speed it up (or hinder it if the diagnosis isn't accurate) If you are unsure as to what is wrong then you aren't able to fix the problem. You can't treat an illness if you don't know what it is. However, once you know where you stand, you are able to plan your next steps more effectively. Alternatively, if you are being treated for something you don't have it could make the whole situation worse. Misdiagnosis rates for mental illness vary from study to study, but can occur due to stigmatisation, poor diagnostic screening, or if the person affected does not disclose the full extent of their symptoms to their doctor. A diagnosis needs to be accurate, which can be difficult when symptoms for varying illnesses overlap, doctors revert to stereotyping patients, or a person has difficulty expressing their struggles. It is important to be honest with your doctor when telling them about your symptoms to give them the best chance at getting your diagnosis right. Remember, if you feel like you are not being heard, are being stereotyped, or dismissed then you are within your rights to ask for another doctor to get a second opinion.
You are more than your diagnosis It's very easy to start incorporating your diagnosis into your identity. I know I did. Your mental health and illness impact such a big part of your life that it can become hard to differentiate between yourself and your disorder. But as hard as it is to do it is a worthwhile exercise to ensure you don't lose yourself along your mental health journey, because who you are is awesome.
5 Things I Wish I'd Learnt Sooner
Some people will only see the label As I have said above, once you have a diagnosis it can be very easy for that to become your identity, both in how you see yourself and in how others see you. A diagnosis or illness is only a part of you, not the full picture. You do not have to be defined by this aspect of yourself anymore than you would be defined by any other part of you. I am Emma, I have depression, but I am also fiercely ambitious, creative and caring. My depression does not have to cancel out or overshadow anything else that makes me, me.
Not everyone will understand your condition Not everybody understands mental illness, and not everybody cares to try either. That's okay, you don't need everyone to be empathetic, just a select few who you can trust to help support you, whether that be close friends, family or health care professionals. Whether or not someone bothers to learn about your illness is not always a representation of you and your worth to that person. You're worth is static and unwavering no matter what happens to you or the opinion of others, so if someone does not want to learn about something that is effecting your life it does not mean that you are not worth their time, it means they may not be worth yours. Hold on to those who do bother to learn and support you.
Stigma surrounding your diagnosis will follow you Until mental health is treated with the same urgency and respect as physical health, it will remain a topic that some people find difficult to talk about. That lack of conversation and information leads to people drawing their own conclusions, or falling back on stereotypes. Some will only know your disorder from ill-informed (or even insulting) tv shows, movies, and myths which may make them fearful or mistrustful. However, this does not mean those people do not have the capacity to learn, or an inability to be open-minded. So many people in my life still don't know that I suffer from depression and anxiety, because I am both good at masking it and choose not to tell them. They "never would have guessed" because I did not fit the "look" of someone who was suffering from mental illness. Open conversation can go a long way in tackling pre-conceived ideas in individuals, and over time can bring about lasting change. I am working on being more open about my mental health in my personal life, and this blog is one way of me doing that.
It is not your responsibility to educate everybody else That being said, whilst I encourage open conversation there is only so much one person can do. If the weight of other peoples' misunderstanding becomes too heavy and starts to negatively effect your mental health, then you need to take a step back and recognise that you don't need to carry it. Just put it down. You can pick it back up and try again later if you choose, or you can walk away (that's okay too). You have enough on your plate learning about yourself and dealing with your mental illness from day-to-day, you don't need to take on the responsibility of teaching others about it as well.
Accepting your struggle is not a weakness If anything, seeking help when you feel overwhelmed is an incredible sign of strength. It is not a weakness to ask for the resources you need to get better, and you are incapable of being a coward when you are fighting your demons head-on. Don't do yourself an injustice by calling yourself (or anyone else for that matter) weak, you are not. Promise.
One Final Thing I've Discovered Along The Way...
I will never now be apart from my diagnosis... and that's okay! Even if my symptoms become so negligible they no longer impact my life (and therefore do not qualify as depression any longer) the path that my diagnosis set me on has forever changed me and my quality of life.
Over the past decade I have learnt that I am not what my brain tells me I am, to unravel my thought processes so that I can understand them, and the language I need to express how I feel. I am able to talk to others about their struggles because I understand the illness, the drugs and the therapy system that accompanies it, and others know that I will not judge. How could I?
I still have a long way to go in terms of managing my depression, both on a day-to-day basis and when life inevitably throws you are curve ball or two, but looking back on my journey so far makes me hopeful that I can continue to improve going forward.
If you are in need of urgent help, please use the resources below: Samaritans Helpline - https://www.samaritans.org/
Mental Health Foundation - https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help
NHS information regarding general mental health - https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
NHS information regarding access to urgent help - https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/
Mental health advice tailored for men - https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
Mind Charity - https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/
How Mental list of apps and online resources - https://www.howmental.com/resources
Rethink Mental Illness - https://www.rethink.org/aboutus/what-we-do/advice-and-information-service/get-help-now/
Alcoholics Anonymous - https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
If you feel you are in immediate danger, please go to A&E.
